Gay sober dating

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I went on dates to feel complete when I felt empty, and when I felt complete on my own I went on dates then, too, because surely, I thought, I should want to be in a partnership composed of two whole people.These motivations were equally powerful — both the allure of fullness when I was starving and the allure of a complement to something that was already just fine on its own, the way a nice wine might pair with a good meal.I never liked myself more than when I was with a guy who liked me.But after the date ended, whether with a friendly hug or a lingering kiss or even sex, whatever it was, the moment I was alone again, loneliness would roll in like New England fog. I had gotten sober years earlier, when I was still a teenager, so I couldn’t medicate the feelings away with wine or pills.I went on dates in cities all over the country, wherever I was, even if I was only there for a night or two, finding some guy on an app who might keep me company over dinner or drinks.I went on dates when I was happy, and I went on dates when I was sad.

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There, I could be relaxed, dynamic, charismatic, prone to digressions of affectionate self-deprecation that I thought were charming — I hoped they were, at least. My internal monologue circled a nucleus of self-loathing, recursive and redundant, like a planet orbiting a sun.“But I can’t seem to get anyone to stick around.” I hesitated. To me, this was a shameful secret — what was wrong with me that I couldn’t meet guys out in the world, like a normal person?Certainly, I still met men in bars and clubs sometimes, as a teenager living in New York City with a passable fake ID, but I was unmistakably jailbait and any man who picked me up had to know it.Once there, I collapsed into a chair on her porch.“I’m so sick of going on dates,” I said.“Then why do you keep doing it? ” She said this conspiratorially, as if she was sharing with me a secret.“What’s that? I was an early adopter to meeting people on the internet.” Debby asked.“Because if I do it enough, then eventually I won’t have to do it anymore,” I said. ” I asked.“All relationships are transient,” she said. It started when I was in high school in the early aughts, long before everyone else was doing it, on message boards and in chat rooms.

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